Recently we have started going to a new church. (Covenant Church... check it out, come Easter!) Pretty cool place, meets at a movie theater, pretty much the least "churchy" you can be. A bunch of 20 and 30 somethings(along with a few "old people") attempting at making an impact on a community. Good stuff. Anyways, the pastor is a pretty straight forward, tell it like it is kinda guy, with a smidge of humor thrown in there. I wish I could take credit for the following, I really do. But I couldn't not pass it on. Its just too amusing (and TRUE!).
Now you can know for sure if you fit into this wonderful category of irrelevant christians…..
#10- LEAVE A TRACK AS A TIP IN A RESTAURANT INSTEAD OF LEAVING ANY MONEY
Why would you leave someone serving you any money? Just make sure and leave them a track! Leaving a track say’s, “Hey, i’m cheap AND irritating.”
#9- PURCHASE TEN CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKERS, PLACE THEM ON YOUR CAR, AND THEN DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT
Nothing say’s God loves you more than a wwjd sticker wearing Volvo cutting you off and then pumping the brakes almost causing you to crash. Make sure and find the right stickers to reach the full capacity of irritation. You know, the “Jesus is my co-pilot” and the “In case of rapture, car will be unmanned” or how about the “I'm under the influence….of God!.” With these stickers, and your reckless driving, your testimony is sure to shine.
#8- ONLY SPEAK IN THE OLD ENGLISH WHEN TALKING TO PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DON’T GO TO CHURCH
Heareth you who haveth ears to hear. Thine best option is that thou woudst talk in such a manner as to shun all who would take offense to thou speaking in such tones. Thou shalt be most relevant in thine culture of today, when thee speaketh in a manner which shalt confuse everyone.
#7-LEARN CHRISTIANEASE AND SPEAK IT FLUENTLY
When speaking to an unbeliever make sure and use words such as…..propitiation, providence, sanctification, and depravity. Also be sure to include phrases such as…… "are you saved?”, “does Jesus live in your heart?”, “are you filled with the Ghost?”. These words and phrases are sure to confuse even the best of your non-christian friends.
#6- MAKE JESUS SEEM AS WEIRD AS POSSIBLE
Make sure and describe Jesus to people as a very pale skinny white guy with blue eyes, a huge beard and long hair. Also, don't forget that Jesus wore a purple beauty pageant sash and floated from one place to the next. Make sure to include in conversation that Jesus is secretly watching every move they make 24 hours a day. Also if you want to drive the point home, you can follow up this conversation by singing the Hymn, “There is a fountain filled with blood.” That should help to really get the point across.
#5- MAKE SURE YOU ALIENATE A GENERATION FOR NOT LISTENING TO THE ORGAN AS THEIR PRIMARY SOURCE OF MUSIC
Everyone knows that organ music is on the billboard top 100 charts year after year. So of course it makes sense that we would only play songs led by an organ in church. Also make sure to call into question someones walk with Christ when they ask why their church doesn’t use guitars or drums on stage, but they can be found in every backing track the local southern gospel singers use when they sing on Sunday mornings.
#4- DON’T TALK TO YOUR NEIGHBORS.
#3- MAKE SURE YOU PICKET ANYONE AND EVERYTHING
If you are looking for irrelevancy, here is your chance! Go to the local planned parenthood and yell at the people as they walk out, make sure to target the youngest of girls with your jeers, as these will leave the deepest of impressions about Christianity. Go to the local bar and yell at them as they walk out, also tell them that God doesn’t allow drunkards into the kingdom. Also picket all things gay. Make sure to make signs with sharpies that read, “God hates queers”, “God hates you”, “I hate you”, and “We hate you.”
#2- ONLY WATCH TBN
Quality programming for sure! Purchase some holy water from Benny Hinn, sprinkle it on your prayer cloth, and then pray that God will take care of the bills that you’ve racked up in credit card debt buying holy water and prayer cloths.
and the number one way to make sure that you are an irrelevant Christian is…………
1#- NEVER STUDY CULTURE
Dont watch t.v., ‘ read the paper, don’t use the internet, don’t read books that aren’t written by Christians, don’t listen to secular music, don’t go to the movies. Maybe this is a better way to say it……only watch Bibleman and McGee and Me, only subscribe to Christian Living Magazine, when you get online only look at TBN.com, only read the Left Behind Books, only listen to Phil Keggy and/or Geoff Moore, and only go to see movies that have Kirk Cameron as the lead actor.
If you carefully follow all of these rules you will not only re-enforce the stigma that people have about Christians, but you will also join the ranks of being an irrelevant one!
There you go, a laugh for the day. Or maybe a shaking of the head. Oh well, I found it funny!